wanderlight | Entries tagged with the story of my life

Life right now is -- um -- really hard. ( Read more... ) I'm doing okay. I've realised this year that I'm doing both a lot better and a lot worse than I thought I was. Better, in that I have a couple of coping skills now, as opposed to the zero I had before. I react to new health issues by doing fucktons of research and then coming up with ACTION PLANS for getting better. I make sure to keep going through the motions -- you know, going to class*, making plans, seeing friends, getting out, doing things I usually enjoy -- because I find it helps if you maintain momentum. Go through the motions, keep pretending, until things become meaningful and real again; I feel like I am misquoting from East of Eden here, but I can't remember where in the book it is. Worse, in that -- well, I've realised that depression involves more than absolute, 24/7 existential despair (which I how I've always -- hilariously -- experienced it before). I assumed that once I kicked that feeling I was clear; not so much. Depression actually leaves hundreds of little fractures in your personality that, together, will fuck you up unless you determinedly go about dealing with them, and then dealing with them again when they relapse, which they will. I have promised myself that I will work on this.

* I'm auditing one course this fall! We'll see how it goes health-wise. I'm excited, because it's about doing literary readings of things/objects (semiotics!), and because -- happy coincidence -- one of my best friends is also taking it.

Okay, that's enough about my life for now. Have a bunch of music.

FEIST: metals

If I were Leslie Feist, I would be scared shitless right now. (The pressure! The public scrutiny!)

I haven't listened to it yet, so I can't say much, but I hope I like it. I hope it ends up being this year's perfect autumn album, because I need one; any suggestions?

( more music uploads: deb oh, jamie woon, james blake, late night alumni, rose elinor dougall )

If I don't write this post in one go, I'll never write it -- which is what I've been (not)doing for the past three months -- so I'm just going to do it, sloppily, imperfectly, never mind that I wanted to say something meaningful about illness and loss and what it means to have the part of you that writes just shut down.

( I've had a pretty rough time since January. )

In terms of Livejournal: I am sorry I haven't been here! I will try better to be here! The truth is, I'm not sure what to do with it. I've gotten out of the habit of journaling, for various reasons. Journalling has always been a sense-making activity, for me, a way to exert mastery through self-representation, but it's impossible to give narrative shape to the recurring events of illness and pain. Unless we're talking post-apocalyptic fiction -- I'm only half kidding -- anyway; I'm just beginning to journal again, privately. I don't know if I can handle it publicly yet. I rarely discuss what's happening to me with friends or family in any meaningful depth anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing, a bad thing, or just a thing, but it's the only way I can manage it right now. Of course, I can still post fic, write about TV, books, share music, comment -- which reminds me of apologies I need to make for abandonment, not commenting, missing birthdays, and not replying to emails; I will try my best to get to all of that, in time <3 -- but I don't know, it's more about the interaction than the content; what do you want to read?

What I really want to say, though, and ask, is, how can I keep in touch with all of you? Where are you at? I mean, this journal has always been more about the people, less about the personal chronicle, and even if I can't write about my life anymore I don't want to lose that -- you. I know some of you have moved to other places, but some of you have disappeared, so I'd love it if you'd let me know where I can find you -- here at livejournal, or dreamwidth; twitter, tumblr, email, Facebook (won't link this outright; ask me), GTalk (which I have a notoriously bad relationship with), hell, even text message (but only if you are a resident of Canada. My phone plan sucks.). So, uh, yeah. It's not necessary to comment on the rest of the paragraphs, but I'd like you to answer that question. :)

Hello, world. I lost my entire iTunes library and all of my bookmarks today, so instead of moping I decided to (mis-)interpret it as a sign to restart. Thus I am posting while my reinstalled iTunes chugs along re-adding & analyzing gapless playback, whatever that is.

At times this past year I indulged my crazy scheme of wiping the slate clean, regaining my tabula rasa, and writing a new self. It's impossible, naturally. I scribbled madly, I furiously debated myself, I experimented with rejecting cynicism (yeah, so not happening), I tried to Do New Things and get my life in order (also not happening), I didn't sleep (not exactly a new thing) ... and I'm essentially the same person, albeit slightly saner and with a more balanced viewpoint. Theoretically. I still haven't made it to Rita 2.0, but I like to think of me as Rita 1.5 at least.

I've been peeking at the flist during hiatus -- well, "hiatus", you know how it goes -- so I have a vague idea of what's passed. I've still missed you all. My passive reading of your lives makes you almost books instead of people, but people make much better friends than books -- so I've come to grudgingly accept.

So: consider this a return. Of sorts. I'm ~~wiser~~ (hahaha) more wary of the computer's timesink nature now, so I limit my time to the bare minimum, but you're all worth teetering on the precipice of online addiction for. Or maybe standing back a foot. So no IM or anything, but I should be able to eke out a couple minutes every day to keep the LJ from dustgathering.

I realise I'm a stranger now, and people rarely grant favours to strangers -- but I don't want to remain one, so hello! I'd love to hear a little bit about your lives, your thoughts, and where you're at. ♥

Current Music: nothing, damn you iTunes.

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CECI N'EST PAS UN JOURNAL

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Entries tagged with the story of my life

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March 2022

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